How Do You Explain Death to a Child?

Posted on 02. Jul, 2009 by Holly in Blunt Honesty, Holly Mann

“Mom, let’s pack our suitcases, hold hands and God can take us to Heaven together.” Those words were spoken by my four-year-old son Joshua, after visiting with my very sick Aunt in Wisconsin last December. I spoke to him about my Aunt, and how it may be the last time we see her – on earth anyway.

So, as a parent I try to be honest with my son about life and death – but explaining that is quite difficult. Today Josh said something else that made me ponder how other parents and families explain death to a child. Obviously, this is totally unrelated to Internet Marketing, but it is about life. So as a reader, if you have comments and experiences, please feel free to share them. Most of us have lost a loved one, and with the recent deaths in the news and media, it just brings it right up again and makes you really think about your life.

Just last week, my son starts impersonating Billy Mays, and talking about Oxiclean. Josh is a high-energy child who is constantly on the go – and I think he was extremely drawn to Billy Mays and his commercials because of his positive attitude and high-energy shows. After hearing of the death of Billy Mays, I told Josh the news. Josh immediately asked me if the company would still sell Oxiclean – and also if the commercials would still be on the air. Pretty good questions for a four-year-old.

This afternoon, Josh saw a commercial with Billy Mays on it and asked me if Billy would have taken Josh’s toys (which he lost when we moved from Thailand to here) to Heaven for him? Then Josh said he hoped Billy would be in Heaven for a long, long time and he wanted to get his toys and stay there a long time as well. Josh’s words were more of statements, rather than questions thankfully. I didn’t say much, as I have tried to explain more vaguely that God knows what you love and will have a place prepared in Heaven for you someday – and to not worry about toys and material things. But I don’t speak about this often, as I know it is too difficult to explain and comprehend. But Josh is fascinated by it anyway and his comments usually leave me shocked and pondering things myself!

So, I know everyone holds different beliefs – and I’m just curious what your thoughts are on how you might explain death to a child. Or, if you have any interesting stories or experiences, maybe you could share them. Also, I recently saw the new movie, “My Sisters Keeper,” which is also a story about life and death and the bonds created between loved ones.

Personally, with all the recent deaths – it has made me realize once again how precious & short life is.

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Tags: billy mays, death, josh mann

10 Responses to “How Do You Explain Death to a Child?”

Joe Jablonski

02. Jul, 2009

Thanks for sharing, having three kids of my own, you have to sometimes view life from a childs eyes. We can learn many things from them.

I read this and thought I would share it.

“A child’s eyes, those clear, wells of undefiled thought – what on earth can be more beautiful? Full of hope, love and curiosity, they meet your own. In prayer, how earnest; in joy, how sparkling; in sympathy, how tender! The man who never tried the companionship of a little child has carelessly passed by one of the great pleasures of life, as one passes a rare flower without plucking it or knowing its value” – by Caroline Norton

My children have reminded me time after time the true value of life and the worlds beauty.

~ Joe Jablonski

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- Holly
  
  02. Jul, 2009
  
  Hi Joe – I love the quote you shared! I agree with it completely, especially this: “The Man who never tried the companionship of a little child has carelessly passed by one of the greatest pleasures of life,” and I think it is true. If you can spend time with your kids and be open to their views and really take in their perspective – it can be very freeing and also familiar (of when you were a child yourself and all the good things you may remember of how that feels).
Garry Duresne

02. Jul, 2009

When my mother died, I called my brother immediately. (We has been taking turns caring for her at her home, my brother was staying about a mile away.) I was about 11:00 at night, my brother showed up with his family.

His two daughters age 5 and 8 loved my mother very much. When they arrived, the two girls simply went over and got into bed with my mother. They wanted to give her one last hug to send her on her way.

They didn’t seem to mind that she was dead. They had been with her throughout the last difficult months and, while they were sad at loosing their grandmother, the girls had an understanding of the natural process. They did not fear the corpse.

I think that children can sometimes have a better place in their lives for death than adults. The do not innately fear the state of death and, if allowed, find a natural place for it in their live.

Part of our difficulty in explaining death to children is that death is inherently mysterious. No mater what we believe, the fact is that one day someone is alive and the next day they are not. Where did they go? What happened to them? While children may have hundreds of questions, they are much more natural at accepting mystery and the unknowns than many adults.

Of course they keep asking questions, but often this does not mean they are uncomfortable. It’s just the natural process of their hunger to understand and grow in their worlds.I think that trying to answer the questions, without thinking we need to eliminate the mystery, is probably one of the better services we can give out children.

The mystery itself is a rich, fertile ground for children coming into their own. And if we can teach our children that unknowns and mystery do not need to be associated with fear. That sadness does not need to be associated with fear, this is a BIG gift to our children.

My own boys (now 4 and 6), ask about death. They simply want to understand it or just talk about what they are feeling. There are people they have known and loved who are gone. We talk about the goodness we shared and that sometimes we miss these people. We keep pictures so we can remember the love. My boys are not awkward about it, it is the grownups who sometimes are.

Grownups often seem to think they must protect the children from something that they (the grownups) themselves fear. And often that fear is not present in the children.

GARRY DUFRESNE

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- Holly
  
  02. Jul, 2009
  
  Garry – thank you for sharing this. You know you are right on about how natural kids can understand death. I think it must be our culture and society and our own fears that can confuse them and teach them to fear death. In the movie I just watched “My Sisters Keeper,” there was a mother who would not accept that her child was dying. The child wanted to go – after suffering for so many years and being in so much pain. But the mother did not see death as natural and would do anything in her power to prevent this. The child was the one to comfort and try to explain it to the mother. She wanted her mom to let her go.
  
  Your experience with your kids is very interesting Garry. You’re right that we shouldn’t teach fear in death – as it is a natural part of life, even though it is sad to lose someone. With Josh’s limited experience with death, he has shown no fear or great sadness with the loss of my Aunt. We did not attend the funeral as we were here in Nevada, but he did attend one in Thailand. He was fine and accepted it. His friend who just 7 years old died of a brain tumor. Josh just accepted it as it was and was fine. If he ever talks about it – he seems very confident that he will see the person again someday in Heaven. I like your explanation Garry – thanks for sharing this.
Garry Dufresne

02. Jul, 2009

Should have checked my typos before I posted. Oh well, please do forgive me.

GARRY DUFRESNE

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Irish Tom

02. Jul, 2009

Hi Holly
A very interesting article and especially today with high profile celebrities like Billy Mays and Michael Jackson passing away.
As a Grandfather, one thing I have found about very young children, they have a totally different concept to death than we have.
We get upset, grieve, cry, get depressed and usually just don’t know how to accept the situation. Children on the other hand have a different outlook. They are taught when someone is ill and then passes away, they are going to a “better place” and will be with their God in Heaven and Kids do accept this. They look at things in a more simplistic fashion and I think the problem adults have is to try and explain in a more adult fashion which usually does not work. Keep it very simple. The kids are wise enough to know what is going on and accept it much better than we expect them to.
It is interesting how different cultures handle death.
In Ireland we use it as a time of “Celebration” with what is know as a “Three Day Wake” where the deceased is laid out to rest either in a coffin or in their bed where visitors can come during those threee days/nights to pay their respects, sit a while and dependent on the family can have a cup of tea or coffee, or the other extreme “have a wee dram (drink) to toast either himself or herself”.
Actually these wakes can be hillarious when the visitors start to tell the numerous stories about the deceased and share with the family their memories of his or her exploits.
Believe it or not, this is actually comforting for the family when they realize how well known and popular their relative was.
As for children, they attend the wakes as well and can come up to the coffin or bed to look at the corpse, say their prayer and have no qualms about touching the deceased’s hands or kissing them on the forehead. With kids at a wake, it also adds humor when one of them in their innocence points out that the deceased “is looking awful well and looks just like themself”.
I have attended numerous wakes when children were present and I always make it a point to talk to them and it is amazing how calm they are and can tell me their relative is now in Heaven and will be looking after them in the future.
I think everyone handles death differently and where you have the situation of a sudden death where the numbness, disbelief and then the grieving, to someone who was ill for a long time and eventually passes away from their suffering such as Farrah Fawcett and the death is expected and a relief so now you face the grief.
You know, one of my favourite times is when my wife Cheryl and myself visit our Grandkids at Fort Lewis in WA and spend time with them. They love to talk and share things that have happened since we were last together. It is a great learning process for me.
The oldest, Jordan aged 9, is going in next month to have a Pacemaker fitted for his heart and when we spoke a few nights ago he said he knows how much of a difference it will make, but also whispered to say a wee prayer for him as he was a bit worried.
His Mom is expecting twins in October so I told him that this was an ideal time for his hospital visit as he would need strength to help his Mom when his two new brothers arrived. He cheered up and said he never thought of that and was looking forward to our visit.
I love spending time with kids. You really never know what they are going to say next.
Sorry this was so long winded, but it was a great subject.
Lets remember to say a special prayer for all our kids out there, especially those with no one to care for them.
Kind regards
Tom

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Holly

03. Jul, 2009

Wow thank you Tom for such a nice comment! You are right about kids taking things in a simple manner – and understanding life as they do. I think as adults we do over complicate and over analyze everything – it really helps to listen to a child’s point of view.

I also find it interesting to hear about the rituals in Ireland with the wakes. I had no idea they did that. Personally, although it may be natural – I really prefer not to see someone in their casket. It is really hard for me to see the person absent from the body – I think it never really looks like the person you knew. I’d rather not see that – but remember the person from time spent together. I know everyone is different with that. For me, when I leave the earth I want to be cremated and not have an open casket funeral or anything like that.

Tom, your 9 year old grandchild sounds very brave with the surgery he is about to have. I’ll be praying for him! And exciting news for his family with twins on the way! My brother Kerry and his wife have a 4 year old and Triplets girls!

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Irish Tom

03. Jul, 2009

Thank you for your comments Holly.
As I said, different cultures do things differently and in Ireland that is what we grew up with. Some families now use Funeral Homes to lay out their deceased and yes, creamation is also available. Although the modern trends are now with us in Ireland, the old traditions are here to stay.
I can understand your thoughts about remembering the person who has passed away as they were and again that is catered for at home. Some visitors who call at the house to show their respects, have the same thoughts as you and politely refrain from visiting the deceased as they also want to remember them as they were and that is totally accepted. Also there are some people just cannot look at a corpse and that is also acceptable.
We spoke to Jordan (my 9 year old Grandson ) last night and confirmed the date we will be up for our visit and would be visiting him at the hospital when he goes in. I told him to give a little thought on what “surprise” he and his brother and sister would like us to take up with us. He was funny and said he would sit down with them and find out and call us Sunday evening. He is a brave little guy. With his condition he was able to have a sort of normal life but could not play many games at school as he became short of breath very quickly. This proceedure is relatively risk free and will make a major change to his life style.
Anyhow Holly, your big day is here tomorrow (4thJuly) and may I wish you and your family and all your internet supporters a really Great Independence Day.
Regards
Tom

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Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD

10. Jul, 2009

Holly, this is likely one of the more difficult things a parent has to deal with.

Here’s a link to an article that gives an idea of what grieving kids go through and what they need. This article also appeared in Healing Magazine…

http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/greiving-children-know-what-they-need-424597.html

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD

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Lake of the Ozarks

12. Jul, 2009

I read this or heard it somewhere but it has been helpful to me in explaining death of my father to my children.

Dying is like when a caterpillar makes a cocoon and once inside it goes away. In a short time it becomes a beautiful butterfly and fly’s off leaving the caterpillar nowhere to be found.

This has been our family reference for pets that have died and a school mate’s death. Seems to ease the kids minds to know that when you die you become something else beautiful and get to fly away.
Hope this helps.

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