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    Monday afternoon I went to pickup Josh from school and something came over my body while driving. I felt extremely dizzy, my legs were shaking and I almost passed out. I pulled over and prayed that I could just compose myself enough to make it to my mom's house (it was about a 5 minute drive from where I was pulled over on the road). So I gathered my strength and made it there - walked up to her apartment and I broke down. I don't know why I started to cry. I told her about my predicament and how I needed to pickup Josh. While I was driving my arms were shaking, tingling and even my face became tingly and numb. It was very scary and I have been having health problems on and off since I had Josh. It just seems like more of a pain in my butt than anything and I've been avoiding dealing with it and going in to see a doctor.   

    Four or five months ago I went into the hospital for a normal exam and the doctor pushed on my stomach. When she did I felt a surge of pain and she felt a large lump on my lower abdomen. I never noticed it being there, but she was convinved that it would have been there for a while to get as large as it was in size. She ordered an ultrasound and they brought me right over to have it. Afterwards, I waited an hour and was told the results and given the slides from the exam. I was shocked because it clearly showed a large tumor of some kind on my lower right side. It was clearly shown on the ultrasound scans and also felt it there. It was 4 1/2 by 5 cm by 5 cm. That is pretty big and I felt very concerned. I went home that evening and felt overwhelmed with emotions. NOT for myself or fear of having surgery or chemo or anything. I felt concerned for Josh - terrified of anything happening to me and him suffering the pain of the situation. Thoughts about his future, who would take care of him, etc. swept through my worried little mind. The doctor who had done the exam is one of the best in northern Thailand. She told me I'd need to return in several weeks to check out the status and size of the tumor. If it did not go down in size I'd be having an internal exam with a camera, and surgery. The incision would be in my stomach and they would remove it then.

    But the next day I went to another hospital just to check it out again. Here in Thailand, healthcare is so darn cheap you can go in everyday if you like - pay cash and check out. Josh fell and hit his head once and I brought him in and they did a brain CT Scan for only one hundred dollars - and that was the expensive hospital! So I went to that hospital regarding my tumor and was taken to an ultrasound room again - this time it was an internal ultrasound and they were very thorough. They found NOTHING - the tumor was gone! They searched for it and searched. Most people wouldn't consider it a miracle, but I do. I would normally be a skeptic and blame it on the hospital and assume that someone was wrong - but they were NOT. It was clearly there - felt and clearly visible on the ultrasound.     

    The amazing thing is that my dear grandma (who has passed away years back) had the same exact thing happen to her when she was much younger. I couldn't help but to think that she was looking out for me or talking to God on my behalf :). It's just odd that something so amazing can happen to two people exactly the same way.

    Ok now back to the dizzy spells and this week's doctor visit - I was thoroughly examined and he found nothing wrong with my blood work and he also checked on that tumor spot and felt nothing. I was grateful for that.  I will go back again on Monday for another ultrasound just to be sure. While I was in the waiting room there, I felt very peaceful. I really took the time to pray to God. I am a Christian for people who do not know. I felt like I was in a state of prayer almost and I took my pen and paper out and began writing. Please understand, I do not write poems often, almost never. This time I felt like writing one and I asked God to give me guidance and just write it for me. I wrote this poem below in a matter of a couple of minutes. It all flowed onto the paper: 

"To stretch yourself,

Arms wide open to the world.

To give your all till there is no more.

Take care my child.
Your heart is mine.

If you give too much you’ll use all your time.

Bodies will fail.

Hearts will falter.

Be good to yourself,

Your body is my alter.

 

I love you my child.

You were chosen by me.

Don’t forget why I set you free.

Although your heart hurts and you struggle every day,

I have not gone away.

You must not stray.

Stay by me my love.

You are my White Dove.

 

For you to fly, trust in me.

Give it your all.

Breath in, breath out, sigh.

With that, let it go.
You are free.

You can count on me.

I’ll give you the love you deserve.

I’ll mend your pain.

 

Cleanse yourself with tears of rain.

Pure and fresh.

Let it be – set your heart free.

You are safe my dear child.

You’ll always be.
Remain with me."

    So during that visit, my mom was at her apartment babysitting Josh. I left the hospital and it was very dark outside and no taxis would stop for me to drive me home. I was completely stranded there, exhausted and a little frustrated at being stuck out there. My car was at my mom's place because it wasn't safe for me to drive it earlier as I was so shaky. As I was standing there outside of the 7/11 outside of the hospital, waiting aimlessly, a mysterious person pulled up on a motorbike. To Be Continued….

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